So I was watching the Fox News channel the other day and it turns out that Bill Clinton caused 9/11. This fact was first revealed in that splendidly fact-ridden docu-drama mini-series that aired last month but I didn’t believe it so hard until I heard it on Fox News every day for three weeks. Everyone knows that every aspect of the horrible nose dive the country has taken in the past 6 years is due to the incredible foresight of the ultimate Evil Genius – Bill Clinton.
Here’s what I have pieced together so far. When Bill Clinton was a kid, he had a Willie Mays baseball card and like so many stupid kids, he put jelly on it and ate it. Then he got older and realized what a mistake he had made. The evil genius was growing inside of him.
He made it his goal to own all of the Willie Mays baseball cards. For this he would need money. So he studied hard and became a lawyer. He bought a lot of baseball cards but he just couldn’t afford every card in the world. So he set out to rule the world instead.
In the early 90’s baseball card popularity peaked and he was sitting on a fortune of baseball cards. He sold most of his collection and used the money to run for President. He won. Now he ruled the world but he missed his precious Willie Mays cards. He went about rebuilding his collection but by the late 90’s the baseball card craze was over and his collection was nearly worthless. That is when he hatched his most evil plan yet.
He invited Willie Mays to the White House to have him sign all of the cards. Signed cards are worth more. Then he went about the elaborate plot to have Willie Mays killed so that his cards would spike in value.
I fell asleep before I heard the exact details of the plot but pretty soon, Clinton had another pile of money and his wife became a senator. It all makes sense.
Poor Willie Mays. Why couldn’t they kill Tim McCarver instead?
I had no idea that this book existed until I was looking for an image of Tim McCarver. I wish I had a copy so I could read it and then complain about how much it sucks.
Then I found this photo. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my hatred of people I will never meet.