Every since I’ve been old enough to buy my own shirts from Wal*Mart I have been wearing size Large. In California they call it Grande but it’s all the same. It’s the size between Medium and XL. When I’m buying a shirt, I look for the L.
Now there is a problem. America is getting really freakin’ fat. Just look around you. There are more fat tubs of shit lumbering around than ever and they keep growing. And a bigger problem – we’re not allowed to make them feel bad about it. Tubby McGee is embarrassed to buy a XXXL shirt (a bed sheet with sleeves) so the clothing makers have increased the sizes. Now tubby wears a more dignified XL. Meanwhile, my L has a new feature – the shoulders and neck fit just as they always did but I could fit a fully inflated beach ball under the front of the shirt and still have room for a beer keg.
I don’t buy shirts very often. It’s been a couple years but I just went out and bought 10 shirts and didn’t even try them on – I just looked for the L. I might as well be wearing a tent. I had to take them all back while I decide what to do with my life. Should I eat more cheeseburgers so that I can be normal? Should I move to South America and give up shirts altogether?
I’m still the same size but now I’m officially an M. I feel so ashamed.