MR.SASSY

So they’ve done it again. See this post if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

I bought a year’s supply of Linen Fresh Zest last year when they changed it’s name from Whitewater. Now they seem to have killed the “white” flavor completely.

It’s been a year and I’m down to a pile of soap slivers and I went out to my local Target store to get a new supply. They didn’t have any Linen Fresh Zest. So I went across the street to the other Target. They didn’t have it either. They didn’t even have a place on the shelf where it was supposed to be.

At this point, I should abandon this brand entirely. This is stupid. Instead, I decided to give them a chance and I bought every freaky-ass flavor they had. Aloe Splash, Mint Explosion, Tangerine Mango Twist. I didn’t bother with Zest Classic (now called Aqua Pure) because I already know I don’t like it. I used it for years before they had Whitewater but I’m never going back to it.

So now I have 24 bars of stinky soap. It really burned my nose the first day because I left them all out on the counter.

My Reviews:

Mint – doesn’t smell like mint at all / leaves a green stain on everything / it stinks and I hate it / I wish it smelled like a Mojito

Tangerine Mango – I call it Orange because the real name is stupid / I like the smell of oranges / it stains everything orange / it is probably the most tolerable / it is better than nothing

Aloe – might be the closest thing to the Whitewater/Linen Fresh line / I think this is the one I’m using now but it is so boring that I don’t even remember what color it is / I can’t really tell it apart from mint
R.I.P. White Soap

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So it is now August and I never did find the time to do my critical analysis of the Get a Mac ads. I no longer see them on TV and they are as culturally irrelevant as “Where’s the Beef?”

So forget it. Apple got away with their lies this time.

I’ve been setting up Safari a lot lately, which obviously has the Apple site as the default home page. I find it amusing that all of the “Top Stories” are things like “The iPhone is the best phone you can buy!” or “iMac the coolest-looking desktop on the market!”

For comparison, I decided to go to the Oscar Mayer website to see if they litter the page with “Our wieners are the thickest and longest out there!” But they don’t. They have an interesting timeline of all of their ad campaigns. Apparently in 1952, they gave away a “Wiener Whistle” with the hot dogs so all the kids were running around blowing each others wieners. You gotta love the 50’s.

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I’ll admit Apple’s GetaMac ads are clever and funny on a certain level.  But I wish they were not so full of lies.  There a definitely points to be made in favor of Mac over Windows but Apple is not making them fairly.

I have downloaded all of the ads from the Apple website.  Over the coming weeks, I will watch each one and explain the truth and lies in every word spoken.  I can only do this in my spare time since only 4 people will ever read this and I do have a life outside of my hobby of hating the world.

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In a bold move, Apple is seeking to copyright every noun in the English language that begins with an “i”, just in case they come up with a product someday that needs a name.

iPod, iMovie, iLife, iWhatever

Apple is in a legal battle with Cisco over the name iPhone. Cisco came up with iPhone years ago and now Apple is trying to steal it. That is what led to this new pre-emptive strike against all future iWords.

They have even created a new marketing company to help with the effort – iMindControl.

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Everyone takes off their shoes and walks across the same spot on the floor. Many wear sandals and are bare-foot as they pass through.

Am I the only one who finds this disgusting? Take a look at the people in line with you.  Would you wear their dirty socks?  I doubt it.

This little foot beast and his whole family live at the airport security checkpoint.

Bring an extra pair of socks!

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I recently discovered that Cingular counts checking your voice mail against your Anytime minutes.  I had suspected this for a long time but I never took the time to sit down with a calculator and add up the minutes on my bill.

Last month I was running low on minutes so I stopped answering my phone when I got down to 12 minutes.  I sent everything to voice mail.  Then I checked my voice mail and called the person back on another phone.  I thought I was pretty smart.  Turns out I used up those 12 minutes and several more just by checking voice mail.

I sent this eloquent email to Cingular:

Why am I being billed for checking my voicemail?  That should not count against my Anytime minutes.  That should be free.  You charged me $2.35 for checking my voicemail after I ran out of Anytime minutes.  I quit answering my phone when I had 12 minutes left so I could avoid charges. It makes no sense that I can call my friend on the other side of the country for free but I can’t check my own voicmail.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stup

 You will notice that the last word is cut off.  That’s because they only allowed 500 characters in the box.  I would have continued for at least 30 more lines otherwise.

I’m waiting to hear back from them.  Jerks.

4 Days Later…

Dear Mr. Sassy,

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail Cingular Wireless regarding your
the minutes you were billed for while accessing your voicemail. I am
happy to help you with your inquiry and I apologize for any
inconvenience this may have caused.

Unfortunately, at this time, calls to check your voicemail are billed as
regular airtime due to the fact that when calling your voicemail, it is
a landline based system. This system does not count as a mobile to
mobile call and will be billed based on the time the call is made. You
are able to use a landline to check your voicemail messages with no
airtime charges by dialing your own number from another phone and
pressing the * key to interrupt your greeting. Once this is done, you
will be prompted for your voicemail password. Once this is entered, your
messages will begin to play normally.

I hope that the information provided has been helpful and has resolved
all of your questions. If you need further assistance, feel free to
reply to this e-mail or contact customer service at 1-800-331-0500 or
611 from your Cingular Wireless phone.

I encourage you to visit our web site (www.cingular.com) often to view
current and previous monthly statements, make payments and to shop for
new product and service offerings. Thank you for allowing Cingular
Wireless to serve as your wireless company. We will do our best to
ensure that your wireless experience is a success.

Sincerely,

Charles
Cingular Wireless
Online Customer Care Professional

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I was recently shopping the Cingular website for a new plan and I saw this image.

At first glance, you see two loving sisters enjoying their brand new RAZR phone. But what you don’t see is that 13 seconds later, a fight broke out because Sister2 wanted her turn with the phone and Sister1 wasn’t done yet so she hit Sister2 in the face with the phone and then took a picture of the bloody mess and emailed it to her friend Keisha.
Their mother spends all of her money on matching sweaters and she can’t afford two cell phones for the girls.
Then there is the whole Verizon campaign where a big crowd of people follows you everywhere you go and this somehow makes your cell phone better. I would think you could just turn around and talk to all those people and you wouldn’t need a cell phone all. Maybe they are waiting for you to put down your phone so they can steal it. Maybe having a cell phone makes you the next great prophet. 

Or maybe the network sucks so bad that you need a crowd of people following you around to fix it all the time. I don’t know what it all means. Just don’t follow me.

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After an hour messing with my CSS, it turns out that it is IE7 that is stupid. Or is it me? Either way, Firefox seems to work properly for uploading an image in full size.

I did a Google image search for “Duh” and this is what I got.

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Why do all my images show up as thumbnails?  What good is that?

It doesn’t matter what options I select.  It just doesn’t work right.

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Study hard kids. If you don’t, you can’t go to college. Then when George W. Bush re-institutes the Draft, you’ll be off to war. Even if you don’t end up getting drafted, you have only two ways to get out of a small town.

1. Join the Military.
2. Go to College.

That’s it. If you don’t do one of those two things, you’ll be that toothless guy that works at the gas station. You will never amount to anything. We need toothless guys in the world and if you are destined to be one, you should embrace it. But if you actually want to do something with your life, there are only two ways to get there.

If you’re from a small town, there is a good chance that at least one of your parents is toothless and works at the gas station. If that is the case, you probably can’t afford college.

Thank you for defending my country, you poor dummy.

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