Archive for October, 2006

The Post Office Delivers Packages – Who Knew?

Saturday, October 28th, 2006

USPS Logo

It makes me mad to see so many USPS commercials on TV – especially during a high-price event such as the World Series. Why am I mad? Let me count the ways.

  1. Stamp costs go up every couple years because the USPS is constantly bleeding money.
  2. Expensive TV commercials do nothing but bleed more money.
  3. Everyone knows who the Post Office is and what they do. Anyone who doesn’t already know will never own a stamp and should not be bothered.

It is the equivilent of the vastly over budget San Francisco Bay Bridge project putting out Super Bowl ads – “Bay Bridge – the fastest way from San Francisco to Oakland!” Thankfully I haven’t seen that yet.

The Bay Bridge is the default way to Oakland and the Post Office is the default way to send a letter. There is no reason to advertise the obvious.

“Electricity – It’s the best way to power your computer!”

Update – Willie Mays Conspiracy

Thursday, October 5th, 2006

So I was watching the Fox News channel the other day and it turns out that Bill Clinton caused 9/11. This fact was first revealed in that splendidly fact-ridden docu-drama mini-series that aired last month but I didn’t believe it so hard until I heard it on Fox News every day for three weeks. Everyone knows that every aspect of the horrible nose dive the country has taken in the past 6 years is due to the incredible foresight of the ultimate Evil Genius – Bill Clinton.Mays Baseball Card

Here’s what I have pieced together so far. When Bill Clinton was a kid, he had a Willie Mays baseball card and like so many stupid kids, he put jelly on it and ate it. Then he got older and realized what a mistake he had made. The evil genius was growing inside of him.

He made it his goal to own all of the Willie Mays baseball cards. For this he would need money. So he studied hard and became a lawyer. He bought a lot of baseball cards but he just couldn’t afford every card in the world. So he set out to rule the world instead.

In the early 90’s baseball card popularity peaked and he was sitting on a fortune of baseball cards. He sold most of his collection and used the money to run for President. He won. Now he ruled the world but he missed his precious Willie Mays cards. He went about rebuilding his collection but by the late 90’s the baseball card craze was over and his collection was nearly worthless. That is when he hatched his most evil plan yet.

He invited Willie Mays to the White House to have him sign all of the cards. Signed cards are worth more. Then he went about the elaborate plot to have Willie Mays killed so that his cards would spike in value.

I fell asleep before I heard the exact details of the plot but pretty soon, Clinton had another pile of money and his wife became a senator. It all makes sense.Tim McCarver's Stupid Book

Poor Willie Mays. Why couldn’t they kill Tim McCarver instead?

I had no idea that this book existed until I was looking for an image of Tim McCarver. I wish I had a copy so I could read it and then complain about how much it sucks.

Then I found this photo. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my hatred of people I will never meet.Tim McCarver Sucks

TV, Don’t Yell at Me!

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

Why are TV commercials so loud? I have to mute my TV during commercial breaks to keep my neighbors from pounding on the walls, telling me to turn it down. FOX is the worst.

Stop yelling at me you jerk!

Buy More Shit!

Who Could Hate Toast?

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

Quiznos

Just about every time I go to Quiznos, I witness someone complaining that their sandwich is toasted. The sign says Quiznos Toasted Subs and yet they are surprised. One lady said her sandwich was burned. The definition of toast is “slightly burned bread.” If you want cold
bread go to Subway. Actually, Subway offers toasted subs now because they know that cold bread is not food. Bread does not become food until you toast it.

cheese + bread = not food
cheese + toast = grilled cheese = food

One lady asked them to make her a new sandwich that was notToast Hates You toasted and they wouldn’t do it. They pointed to the sign Quiznos Toasted Subs. She complained for 10 minutes that they toasted her food without telling her. Eventually, she left in a rage with a delicious toasted sub.

Don’t hate toast.

I’m reminded of a song that I heard on my local wacky morning radio show circa 1993 about the joys of toast. I located the lyrics online. Enjoy.

All around the country and coast to coast
People always say, “what do you like most?”
I don’t want to brag, I don’t want to boast
I always tell ‘em, “I like toast.”
YEAH, TOAST!!
YEAH, TOAST!!

I get up in the morning ‘bout six A.M.
Have a little jelly, have a little jam
Take a piece of bread, put it in the slot
Push down the lever and the wires get hot,
I get toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!

Now, there’s no secret to toasting perfection
There’s a dial on the side and you make your selection
Push to the dark or the light and then
If it pops too soon, press down again
Make toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!

When the first caveman drove in from the drags
Didn’t know what would go with the bacon and the eggs
Must have met a genius, got it in his head
Plug the toaster in the wall, buy a bag of bread
Make toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!

Oui Monsieur, bonjour coquette,
Une croissant? Et vous auvent?
Maurice Chevalier, Eiffel Tower,
Oui Marie, baguette, bonsoir!
FRENCH TOAST!
FRENCH TOAST!

TOAST!!